CONFESSIONS OF A FAT BASTARD: A TAIL-ALL DIARY

FAT BASTARD'S GAS HEATS 15,000 HOMES

2011-03-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

“Our team of research scientists was flying over Texas when their ‘Who’s Messin’ with the Ozone Layer’ detection device went nuts,” explained Chevron spokesperson, L. Nicole Ross. Using a high-pencil-strength-steel gas pipeline, Chevron will downstream Fat Bastard’s gas, heating 15,000 homes across the United States. “Fat Bastard has saved Antarctica. Hell, this thing about Fat Bastard’s ass is hugeamongous,” said President Bush taking a quick break from eating birthday cake with Pope Benedict XVI.

Chevron has pledged two billion dollars to further develop a top-secret invention called the ‘Fat Bastard’s Anal High-Pressure High-Volume Linear Osmosis Conversion Valve.’ O’Reilly said Chevron is funding this as a humanitarian effort to save the planet. He has been assured that Rice University will use the funds to explore additional uses of flatulence. Rice University scientists are in discussions with Texas A&M to expand the use of this new scientific discovery for all other gaseous animals including bovines. L. Nicole Ross said Rice University will hold the patent on the anal valve.

Fat Bastard’s agent could not be reached for comment.

Chevron Corporation is one of the world’s leading integrated energy companies, with subsidiaries that conduct business across the globe and now in Fat Bastard’s gas.

Fat Bastard Celebrates Fat Tuesday

2011-03-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

hell, everyday is Fat Tuesday for me and then there is Fat Wednesday, Fat Thursday, Fat Friday…

Fat Bastard Whines to Fat Bastard Wine

2010-09-13T06:48:00.000-07:00

Fat Bastard the Beagle is sharing his story about Fat Bastard Wine and their (ahem) mascot aka the Hippo. The following was a letter the playful 70-pound beagle wrote when he learned “his” name was on their wine bottles along with a hippo!

Feeling a slight bruise to the ego, he churned out this letter…

Click Wine Group

Attn: Peter Click, President & CEO

Dear Mr. Click:

I have a bone to pick with you…I got my paws on a bottle of your Fat Bastard.

First, let me compliment you on developing a first-class wine that goes well with Science Diet and after dinner treats; it’s a real tail wagger. However, you have stolen my nickname, which my owner has given me and that makes me “hot under the collar.” Now when my owner calls out─where’s Fat Bastard─she’s no longer referring to me. Nonetheless, I remain a proud Beagle/Blue-Healer mix who was Oklahoma born and bred.

In view of the fact that you are using my nickname “Fat Bastard” to market your product, I believe legal action is merited. This was confirmed by talking to my cousin, Legal Beagle with the Law Offices of Howling and Barking. And in lieu of unleashing my Legal Beagle on you, I offer other alternatives in settling this dispute─so it doesn’t turn into a dog fight.

I prefer to spend most of my days lounging on my couch and not fretting on your infringement of my nickname, so in the spirit of “if you can’t lick em─join em”─ I am offering to drop all my rights to my nickname… “Fat Bastard” in exchange for one (1) case of Fat Bastard to be delivered to my dog house annually (and this ain’t no DOG SHIT!).

To prove my claim to the nickname, “Fat Bastard,” I have included an 8 x 10 glossy.

When this contention is amiably resolved–I will stop snarling at the sight of Fat Bastard.

My owner LOVES her Fat Bastard… (That’s me and your wine).

Sincerely,

Fat Bastard

P.S. I am available for press conferences and photo sessions, but you will have to bring Fat Bastard!

© 2005 Austin Girl

CONFESSIONS OF A FAT BASTARD #1

2010-09-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

Fat Bastards eat shit. Normally, it's their own. They crave waste matter. When you're a handsome ladies dog like the fetching Fat Bastard the Beagle, you can chomp down, inhale feces, and no one is gonna mess with ya...Cuz, Fat Bastards Rule!

2010-03-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

Free slideshow design personalized with Smilebox

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2010-03-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

Free digital greeting card generated with Smilebox

Pawlicks

2009-11-16T13:23:00.001-08:00

Fans are Talking about Buddy Beagle's Surgery Video!!

2009-08-30T17:35:00.000-07:00

1. “That was TOO FREAKIN' FUNNY!!!!”

2. “Buddy ... even though your emissions are dangerous, I still love!”

3. "I admire the way Buddy was able 2 shed his vanity & go thru surgery under discerning eyes of his fans. He's a heartbreaker!”

4. “I love all of you!”

5. “I love you!”

6. “I love you Fat Bastard!!!”

7. “Yes, you are slightly overweight, Buddy. But, cute!”

8. “Oh, that face Buddy. You are so cute!”

9. “so adorable!  psssssst!: start your own line of facial soaps for rich broads, with your latest crop of lipomas!”

10. “It’s an exit.”

BUDDY BEAGLE

2009-08-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Please watch how my beagle reduces his carbon footprint and gets an emission test before his "gastro" bags are surgically removed.

WARNING: Disturbing. Dirty. Downright Funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QaLqO0KamA&feature=channel_page

Credits:

Starring Buddy Beagle as Fat Bastard

Written & Directed by Austin Girl from Twitter

Edited by Paul Baio

Sound by Paul Baio

Follow Paul on Twitter @pjbaio

Shot on location in Austin, Texas

Follow Buddy on Twitter! www.twitter.com/fatbastardrules